Capturing the Church’s Light

Photo taken by Tiger Lillies, a 48-year-old woman located in Ontario who suffers from deep depression, psychosis, and agoraphobia, all while raising her 2 young grandchildren, 4 and 6 years old. Thankfully she has a supportive partner Rick who helps make daily life with children possible. Her grandchildren, as well as her recent love of photography, have become her saviours and kept her from succumbing to the negative temptations that regularly haunt her. She has tried to commit suicide several times in the past, but thankfully is still with us. Her hopes are to get past her illness, as well as glaucoma, and become a professional photographer.

About this photo: “I can smell dinner in the oven cooking, the babies are watching t.v. The sun is shining brightly into the living room window. There are so many things to be thankful for, and yet, I can see the darkness surrounding me, as though I’m slowly entering a tunnel. This past weekend I photographed an “Open Door Event”.  It’s when different communities open the doors to historical churches and homes. I had no ambition, kept coming up with different reasons to go back home.  I had had enough. Told Rick I wanted to go home. We had only been out an hour and I felt as though it had been days.  We were heading out of town, when a church called to me. Quickly I asked Rick to pull over. A feeling that I hadn’t felt in years came over me. As I stood at the front doors, it felt as though  I was home.   The camera clicked the whole time, honestly, I had no idea what I was photographing.   The organist played as a women with a beautiful voice sang.  There were about 10 of us in the church.  The sun sending beams of light through the stained glass.  I heard the Minister ask if I like taking pictures.  I don’t remember answering him. Not long after (or so I thought) I went back out to the car.  Rick told me I had been in there for an hour.  The feeling of peace in the church stayed with me, until this afternoon.  Darkness is beginning to smother me.  I know I have to feed the babies, but wish they were old enough to make a sandwich for themselves. The house is becoming too bright. I just want to close my eyes, and open them hours from now. Oh how I wish the feeling of that little old church filled me again.”


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5 thoughts on “Capturing the Church’s Light

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  1. Hello, Tiger Lillies, Fellow, agoraphobic here, and I recognise your brilliant description of the church, and the sense of elation. It’s a sensitive photo, beautifully underexposed. Just recently, I was helped by reading about connecting with people. It’s a positive mental thing, they say, to have a mental mantra regarding a few, ‘basic needs’, like connecting with people. Easier said than done, but I’ve been writing a ‘good list’ for a year now before I have to go out, and trying to put the terror behind that. People aren’t on the list, which is a big indication of where my terror comes from. It’s always going to be there, I feel, and the sense that I can’t go on with that forever gets me down, and everyone around me. But I have to live with it.

    The elation, and the process of getting out and connecting, are things I try to look forward to. But the other aspects, the physical CAN’T, that’s misery. That’s always going to be tough, apparently. I’ll have to see. Just this weekend I’ve been out and about in various states of agitation. Some people make it worth connecting, some I just want to run a mile from. It’s instinct. It’s irrational, but that’s the state of things. I honestly don’t think it’s my fault I got like this. A lot of redundancy, job probs, house moves, and an over-developed sense that people are against me on sight, a bad feeling, and there it is. Problem. Doctor, Diagnosis. Tablets, Go away. That’s life.

    It’s really not good enough. Anyway, best of luck. Thanks for the post and photo.


  2. This entry brought tears to my eyes and my soul. I prayed for Tiger Lillies that God would grant her permanent light to chase all her darkness away forever!
    Thank you for sharing.


  3. Thank you everyone for the continuing support. Your comments and likes mean a great deal to me. Please continue to pray, as I feel the healing powers are working. The Dr.’s are beginning new meds, with hopes that they will work. I feel very positive about this change, and look forward to seeing light and colours again.


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