Photo taken by contributor A, a 28-year-old woman who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and associated depression and anxiety. She has been in and out of hospitals in Europe and the Middle East over the past few years, but has yet to find relief. She has had awful experiences in the different hospitals, and has attempted suicide several times. Thankfully she is still with us and fighting for her life.
About this photo: “OK, I admit, I’m a 28 year old teenager! I still have my teen angst, I say “whatever” and “what’s the point in life?!” I still listen to my angry and depressing adolescent rock music. The list could go on.
But I’m working on it.
Anger has always been something that I kept inside. If I’m angry or upset about something, I turn it on myself. I don’t like confrontation with others whether it be with family members, friends or strangers.
For me, the photo I took explains my expression or thought about someone or something that has happened, and thoughts of self-harm.
I am seeking out the right treatment now to get help for many of my issues. One of them being the self-harming that I have been doing since I was 13 years old. So I’ve been doing this for 15 years. That’s more than half of my lifetime. I’ve got some ‘stuff’ to work on!”
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You’re not alone. I’m still there myself. I’m 31 but I might as well still be a teenager. I have never felt like an adult or even pretended to understand a true adult mind. I have been in and out of psych and therapy offices/hospitals most of my life and still feel like I am no closer to getting better. I was put on meds (lithium and prozac) for a while until I went into a fit of rage and self hatred and frustration and flushed them and now I might as well be right back at the beginning. My psych at the time actually tried to convince me that prozac was made for BPD people (which I now know was a crock of shit) and that I wouldn’t have these feelings or thoughts anymore. Well I did and I do. She told me we grow out of it with age. Wrong again. BPD is a forever thing. We don’t grow out of it and everything doesn’t just magically go away one day because we have gotten older. Right now I have no idea how to even go about getting help again without having to go right back through explanations and rediagnosis and all that bull again. I hate all of that. I have been diagnosed so many different things until I was brought to a true professional once in Seattle. Kinda feel completely stuck at the moment. I truly hope you find the help you are seeking and can be at peace. My thoughts are with you.
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That’s truly awful. I feel so bad for you, I really do. It surprises me that if you’ve been given this diagnosis, why nobody is pointing you in the right direction of getting therapy that is at least more specific to the diagnosis. Why is that? I take it you have read in to therapies for BPD?
Don’t get me wrong, and sorry to reinforce the difficultness of the situation because I’m struggling a lot to get to the right therapy too. But I do believe that if you are trying and searching and sticking with it then your persistence will pay off.
So stick on there and use all of the resources you possibly can x
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People don’t understand what you’re going through, they have no frame of reference and, sometimes, they are scared of admitting things to themselves, photography is a wonderful way of reaching them without being pushy! Offer up an image, give it a context and let them develop the dialogue.
Well done on this and you are appreciated!
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Thank you very much.
I also have artwork that I did whilst I was hospitalised (some of it’s on my blog) and a majority of it explains a LOT without me even needing to explain or open my mouth! I’ve shown my artwork and my poetry to my therapist before and she found it to be very expressive and meaningful.
Just got to get back to the photos and artwork because I haven’t managed to do anything for the last 7 months or so since feeling my worst.
Hopefully I can get back to it soon!
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I applaud you for expressing your experience in this photograph! It’s very difficult to come forth with your struggles, but you have found a way, a place, and people who are rooting for you to make it! You’re not alone! Keep going because you’re worth it. Peace of Mind & Love to You! Nana P.S. I hope you’ll keep taking pictures!
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Thank you for your such kind words. I fell out of the photography and art and poetry quite a bit but this has given me a push now to get back to it because its obviously a healthy way of expressing myself.
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Reblogged this on Save Me From BPD and commented:
A photo of mine published on ‘Broken Light’ blog. It’s a great blog, check it out!
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My struggle with depression and anxiety began at about the same age. I am fortunate that I have never attempted suicide though I often thopught about it. I still don’t know ‘what I want to be ‘ when I grow up and I am now 54. I have been blessed that my eating disorder has been under control as well as substance abuse and alcoholism for nearly 30 years but the depression and anxiety persist. Art helps me a lot. I have recently started art journaling which has been a very therapeutic experience. I was blessed when prozac came out as it was the first medication that ever worked for me. After 10 years I failed on it and went thru 10 years of trying everything else under the son with no luck. I finally found a dr that felt it might be worth a re-try and I am blessed again that it is working for me. I still suffer with seasonal depressionand anxiety issues but nothing like pre-prozac or that in-between period.
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It is nice to hear a positive story. It sounds like you have been fighting to get better and have had quite a lot of success in doing so because you are proactive and are doing all you can to feel the best that you can – like through art and expressing yourself so not keeping it all inside.
Keep up the good work and feel good!
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I feel exactly the same – I’ve never grown up. I’m not even sure I want to. My anger is always directed inwards, one of my worst, most damaging, BPD traits
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