Who I Am

Photo taken by Miz Roket, 36, in Norway. I figured out that I’ve been depressed since I was 11. It wasn’t until my late 20s I got the diagnosis seasonal depression. I’ve tried therapy but to be honest that didn’t help a bit. The therapists (several of them yes) didn’t know how to ask the right questions. And they all wanted me to use antidepressants. Something I’ve said no to from day one. And I am gonna stick to that, no matter how hard it gets. I believe my depression is caused by a number of factors spread through my life. From moving a billion times to being bullied, loss of loved ones, family tragedies, eternal loneliness, and so on and never being accepted for who I am. Who I really am! Always being the one that is “different”. I live in Norway (born here but I’m originally Serbian), a place the sun sometimes forgets and it’s hell for my brain. I wither in winter time. And the winter here is very long and dark and cold. The older I get the harder the winters are. Sometimes I just feel like giving up the fight, but buried in a very deep place inside my soul is a tiny string of hope telling me to fight. Fight for my life! Fight for happiness! And so I do. Every day is a fight. I am at war with myself. But then the spring comes, the sun spreads its long arms and reaches me. And I wake up thinking maybe I’ll find happiness this spring. I am still trying to find myself in the crowd and who knows? Maybe one day I will.

About this photo: This photo was taken 2 years ago in Greece. Such a happy place. Sun and sea, the best therapy that exists. If you were to put a dog in that combination I would say goodbye to depression for ever.  I sometimes tend to play with my camera just trying out different options. The photo describes me in a way that I’ve always played roles to please other people. All my life I’ve always been hiding behind different masks. Afraid to show the real thing because that would maybe hurt everybody around me. It’s a process where nobody but me got hurt. 

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11 replies to “Who I Am”

  1. This is a pretty good photo. I almost feel like its holding back a bit though. Well, a decent amount. Its awesome though! Some of the photos on her site a amazing I think thats why I feel this one is lacking a bit? Idk maybe its me being stubborn today.

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  3. Good god, your story is making me cry! I am fairly good at telling stories clinically or comically, or describing ‘feelings in the moment’ but I have yet to try to tackle the overall, going-back-30-years stuff, so am always impressed when people can and do so very well. And you just really captured alot of my own history/story, succinctly and perfectly. I’m an American, but there are all kinds of reasons to hide the real you, especially if you began with trauma. I am trying to tackle my own identity now as a form of therapy – by myself – you’re right, finding the right therapist is virtually impossible. I will follow you, if your link is followable, I thank you for your story. And what an artful photograph!

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    1. You know, I’ve been accused of being very logical and realistic, not making any room for dreams. And I over analyze absolutely everything. That is maybe why I am able to put the pieces together and explore them individually and collected.
      We’re all products of our past and present, everything and everybody is connected. No matter who we are, where we are or what we suffer from. We all have different stories but we’re all part of one big thing.

      Regarding therapy; I’ve realised that this is something I have to do by myself. It is much harder, but the reward of winning the war against depression will only be mine. Selfish maybe, but I am the one living this life, nobody else.
      I’ll be following you. And thank you! 🙂

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      1. Gotcha. The only ‘talk’ therapists I’ve ever had were both victims of this or that themselves & so had similar triggers & therefore sound strategies. The one I use today – “be the ideal mother to yourself” – sometimes I have to use it to sleep or just get through the day. But if you think about it conceptually it is actually really sound & effective (that from a therapist who had been adopted & had major abandonment/rejection issues). I think we CAN do it ourselves, especially if we have strong powers of analysis and acute awareness of our own situations. Rock on! Hugs!

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