Not to Full Capacity

Photo taken by Jill, 38, from Boston.

I took these within an hour of returning home from my first hospitalization. I wanted to document how I looked, whether I would ever look like my real self again. Except, as it turned out, this is my real self. I woke up one winter morning, one year into a relentless “episode” of Major Depression &, after five minutes of sensory triggers, decided I wanted to kill myself. After a failed suicide attempt, I checked myself in at Beth Israel and was diagnosed with Complex PTSD, Major Depression, Anxiety Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I had no idea – I had been a high functioning professional, PTO President at my girls’ schools, well-liked. I considered my traumas to be experiences, maybe stripes. Not so much. I kept my bracelet with my Attending’s name on it until it fell off six weeks later. I felt like it would protect me, that he was somehow still with me. But of course he is not. I am considering self-hospitalizing for the 7th time now, to keep safe. I have been sick since 2006. It will not leave.

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30 replies to “Not to Full Capacity”

  1. I am sorry that you are in so much emotional pain, it really does suck, if you are feeling that you are unable to use a support network around you outside the hospital or feeling that you are really struggling to self regulate, then maybe hospital may be the answer, however in saying that, hospital is not the answer every time you feel as though you are overwhelmed, as hard as it may be you need to draw the strength and things you have learnt since 2006 when you got ‘sick’ and put them back into practice.
    Hospital is a very last resort, and will not be of benefit to you, until you do what you already know too well and put your experience from the past into practice, call on those you have within your support network tell them how your feeling, use the knowledge you have and put it back into practice.

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  2. To say my heart breaks for you would be an understatement. I’ve been there, and I know. Sending healing thoughts your way, babe.

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  3. You have all my compassion – thank you for sharing. And I give you tons of credit for asking for the help that you need to stay safe.

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      1. I suffer from major depression but hardly anyone knows – it is controlled with zoloft, the only way I can keep going. All the very best to you in this rotten struggle, MM
        Love Julie

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      2. Oh dear, I just followed your blog, I can imagine with your husband being so sick at the very least that would cause your mind some major trouble. Mine has been treatment resistant but have never tried zoloft – maybe I’ll ask for it – nothing from that class has ever kept me in check. I hope that you are having a peaceful period now.

        Much love,
        Jill

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  5. Pingback: Why thank you, Broken Light Collective – Not Quite Lost

  6. I’ve been on that path myself many times. Thinking that ending it all will solve it. But that little ray of light buried deep under stops me. It keeps screaming: nooooo, think about your family. And of course, I don’t. I stop and continue until the next big wave comes…. And I wonder, will it always be like this,these never ending round?
    Just in case, I’ll share this little ray of light with you. I wish you all the best, I hope you get through this time,stronger than ever!

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    1. Sorry you’ve been that bad too 😦 I am in the hospital now for that very reason – to see if I can finally just commit to WHATEVER they want me to do, try any other medication that might work & try not to get discouraged. My own mom killed herself when I was 16, my 1st husband died when our girls were 12 & 13, so I just want to get better for all of them! So you’re right – keep on keepin’ on!

      Hugs!

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  7. Wishing you all the very best.

    Congratulations on getting your photos published on here!

    Feel good.

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  9. By the way, I like the mirrors concept. And I completely understand, well, you know this already. I feel I may have some complex PTSD too. It’s only now I’m beginning to realize as I put the puzzles of my tendency to dissociate together. ♥

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  10. I’ve done the same thing, take pictures at different periods. I want to see if there is a change. But so far I haven’t noticed any… blasted. Was hoping to!!
    Mandi

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      1. I thought I would be able to see it in my eyes because that’s what other people say. I wanted to see it too! But BLASTED. Doesn’t work. Still look like me. 🙂

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  12. Jill!!! Nice to “meet” you. When i saw this original post, It didn’t dawn on me that it was you. ♥

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